empty and bitter

y do i fil so..??

i stared at the blank ceiling... trying to think of nothing but evntuali my tots will ol wandered...      him..  the moments that i had with him.. noo don't get me wrong.. we nvr had any swit moments.. hahah.. but i find them sweet tortures..  i always had this fear of being hurt.. fear of losing myself in the process of falling..,, falling really fast that i myt lus ol d pride i had..,, now.. my fear is lusing him..,, the boy i nvr had.. but the boy i luvd.. i constantly pushd him away.,. but he only gets closer evryday.. wenever i see him i feel so nervous..,, as if im a young child luking at the most beautiful star..,, hahha!!! imagine??? that jerk??? a beautiful star..,, hahhaha!!! perhaps a beautiful starfish!! heheh!! ;p but wenever he's around he's always hurting me as if it's not a big deal.. but hei??!!! he even made me cry at night.. ,, ;p  we always had our fights..,, i always win (i think so??) but aftr a wyl il slowly realize dar despyt of those things he has done.. i am more than willing 2 4giv him.. and the cycle will onli continue as if nothing happnd..,, at first it was okay..,, but i realized that i am being unfair to my ownself.,. i decided 2 let him go..,, to let go of sum1 i dnt even own.,.,pain..,,,, pain..,.,pain and mor pain..,.., arrrrrggghgghg i fil so empty as if he owns a part of me.,., i became restless and irritated.,., bitter than before.,. tryd 2 divert my tots to other things and fynd myself coming back to him,., but i know now iv created sumting that i cn nvr destroy agen.,. and iv destroyed sumting i cn nvr bring back 2 lyf..,,